As I stated in an earlier post, I've had a lot to celebrate this month including my birthday and my second blogiversary. In light of these fun things, I've decided to share the wealth and have a contest! I wasn't sure what type to have but Patrick asked that I have a joke contest again. He really loved reading all the jokes last time so once again I'll ask that you comment on this blog post with a joke for Patrick. Keep in mind that he's thirteen and a boy so funky bathroom and booger jokes will be greatly appreciated. By him, not me. And he'll be judging the winner.
Oh what will you win, you ask? Well here they are:
It's a skein of Noro Silk Garden sock yarn and a copy of Knit Lit. A lovely yarn and a sweet book to read when you're not knitting.
Contest will end on Friday, September 10th at midnight. One comment per email address please.
Good luck!
Posts
28 Talk to me:
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!"
"No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screamed "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?"
My son's favorite joke:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Always fun with giveaways, so I'll give it a try :)
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"
Brother: "Denephew."
Oh, I am the supreme overlord of bad jokes. =) Warning, this joke is a little naughty, but even a thirteen year old can appreciate it so don't censor it!
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.
One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
Sheri
unhallowedashes@comcast.net
What did one eye say to the other?
A: Something between us smells!
pixieknitter@live.com
A poor man would daily pray to a statue of a Saint; "please, please let me win the lottery".
Finally, after DAYS and days of this the statue springs to life and says "Please BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!"
I made this up and inflicted it upon everyone I know. So far I've found only one person who likes it, but I still have faith in it, so here goes:
YOU: What do you get if you cross a rooster and an owl?
YOUR VICTIM: I don't know, what do you get if you cross a rooster and an owl?
YOU: Knock Knock
YOUR VICTIM: What happened to the rooster and the owl?
YOU: Knock Knock
YOUR VICTIM: OK, fine. Who's there?
YOU: Cockadoodle
YOUR VICTIM: Cockadoodle Who?
YOU: EXACTLY!
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ?
Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !
vbarton24 at gmail dot com
stand with BOTH hands on Hips and sing:
I'm a little tea pot short and stout, (look right)
Here is my handle,
(look left)
Oh(expletive of choice), I am a sugar bowl!
I usually follow the Oh with a four letter word that starts with S, but dear works, too, in the G rated version.
My son will be 12 in two weeks - where did the time go. This is his current fav...
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poke her face. Get it? Poker face
A three-legged dog ambles into a bar and sits at the counter. Bartender asks him what he wants. Dog says, "I'm looking for the men that shot my paw."
It's a westerns pun...:)
monkalicious on Ravelry
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
"What do you mean `all wet?'"
"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
A farmer was milking his cow in the barn. As the farmer worked, one of the chickens walked over. "Got any corn?" said the chicken. The farmer glanced at the chicken, said, "No, I don't have any corn," and went back to milking the cow.
A few minutes later, the farmer looked up from his milking to see the chicken standing there. "Got any corn?" said the chicken. "No, I don't have any corn! Can't you see I'm busy milking the cow?" The farmer grumbled to himself and got back to work.
After another minute, the farmer looked up again to see the chicken still standing there. "Got any corn?"
"NO! I don't have any corn! And if you don't leave me to my milking, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"
"Got a hammer?" said the chicken.
"NO!! I DON'T HAVE A HAMMER EITHER!!" yelled the farmer.
There was a short pause.
"Got any corn?"
jenniem on Ravelry :)
Read this one out loud:
"How do you catch a polar bear?
The first thing you need is a bag of peas. Then you make a hole in the ice, and place the peas at intervals around the hole.
Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole."
Tamsinface from Ravelry
I LOVE Noro sock yarn -- may as well give it a go. Thanks for the opportunity, what a fun idea.
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"
Here's a bad science joke.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. One looks at the other and says "Oh no, I lost an electron!"
The second one says "Are you sure?"
The first one says "I'm positive."
Unfortunately, most of the few jokes I can ever remember are my father's "dirty Bill and Hillary Clinton" jokes, but only because they're so terribly foul!
But here's one from my mother-in-law (the only joke SHE can ever remember!) that's more appropriate for minors:
A termite walks into a bar and says:
"Where is the bartender?"
LOL that's it! get it? ;~P
Not sure if we have cat fans here but... How Teenagers are like CATS:
Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all
humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of
waiting on them hand and foot.
You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult
human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her
right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor
your teen will ever crack a smile.
No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on
end without moving, barely breathing.
Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, conveying a sense of complete and utter boredom.
Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your
bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Brooklynsheep@gmail.com
What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?
Jose and Hose B.
My favorite joke of all time.
This one was told to me by a lovely lady who emigrated from Estonia as a young teen. She's full of Estonian jokes, which start out like Polish jokes but always have a twist at the end. This is the only one I can remember at the moment:
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Estonian exploring remote, dark jungles are taken by surprise by a tribe of cannibals. They put up a fierce battle, but in the end they're overwhelmed and captured by the cannibals, who tie them up and take them to the cannibal village, where they're left in a hut under guard.
After a while, a very important-looking cannibal comes into the hut. "Gentlemen," he says, "I am the chief's advisor. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is: you're all going to die and the chief is going to use your skins to make his new canoe. The good news is: our chief was so impressed by your courage that instead of having you tortured to death, he's going to let you choose how you die."
The Englishman stands up and says, "I'll take a pistol, old chap." The cannibals bring him a loaded pistol. The Englishman takes it, holds it to his head, shouts, "God save the Queen," and pulls the trigger. The cannibals drag his body out of the hut.
The Frenchman stans up and says, "I will take ze sword." The cannibals bring him a sword. The Frenchman brandishes the sword, shouts, "Vive le France!" and stabs himself in the heart. The cannibals drag his body out of the hut.
The Estonian has been looking thoughtfully at his companions' deaths, and after sitting quietly for a while, he says, "Okay, I want a fork."
"A fork?" says the chief's advisor in surprise.
"Yeah," says the Estonian. "A fork. You know, shiny, metal, you eat with it..."
"Yes, yes," says the chief's advisor, "we know what forks are. We're not barbarians. But... a fork? Are you sure?"
"Yeah, you said I could choose what I wanted. I want a fork. Bring me a bunch of forks and I'll choose one."
So several cannibals run off and bring back whatever forks they could find. The chief, attracted by the commotion, comes over to watch. The Estonian looks all the implements, grabs a large, sharp meat fork, and stabs himself repeatedly all over his body, again and again, until he's covered in stab wounds, all of them pouring blood.
As he lays there bleeding to death from dozens of stab wounds, he shakes his fist at the chief and shouts, "So much for your damn canoe!"
Old farmer Jones was milking his cows when along came two young boys with a pail. "We just moved in down the road and our Mama sent us to get some milk. Can we get some from your milkweed over there?" "Milk comes from cows, not milkweed!" Jones exclaimed, but the boys were adamant that they could get milk from milkweed. Jones chuckled and said "Well, go ahead and try, but if you don't get any, come back here and I'll give you some from my cows."
The boys went off, and Jones could see them busily trying to get milk from milkweed. After about 10 minutes the boys came back to the barn. "How'd it go, boys?" Jones asked. The boys flashed big smiles and said "Thanks, we got all we needed." "Wait a minute," said Jones, and looked in their pail, expecting to find milkweed sap, but sure enough, it was full of rich, creamy milk! "OK then, git along home!" Jones laughed, figuring the kids had played a joke on him. The pail must have been full of milk when they first came up to him, and he just hadn't noticed.
The next day the boys were back, and said "Mama would like some honey. May we get some from your honeysuckle?" They each held up two clear glass jars, which Jones could see were empty. "Honey comes from bees, like those in the hives over yonder. You can't get honey from honeysuckle." he explained, but again, the boys were very insistent.
"OK, boys - knock yourselves out, but if you don't get any, come back and I'll get you some from my hives." No way they'd trick him this time, he'd seen the jars were empty. He went back to work, keeping an occasional eye on the boys, industriously working amongst the honeysuckle plants.
Sure enough, after about 20 minutes the boys came over with all four jars full. "Mama says we should give you a jar to say thank you for the milk and honey." Dumbfounded, Jones took the jar, and tasted the delicious honey. By the time he'd recovered enough to ask the boys how they'd gotten honey form honeysuckle, they were gone.
The next day Jones was working his field, toiling behind his old plowhorse. It was hard work and Jones was in no mood for foolishness, when once again the boys showed up. This time they carried neither pail nor jars. "No milk or honey today boys?" asked Jones, grumpily. "No sir," the boys said, "we'd just like permission to play over in that stand of pussy willow."
Jones stood frowning down at the boys, thinking hard, then a huge grin broke out on his face. "Just let me hitch the horse up, and I'll go with you!" he shouted.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
Gross
What did the clean dog say to the flea?
Long time no flea!
ok, These are my two favorite jokes and I cannot choose between them, but they are short.
1) A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
2) Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the monkey.
No one else gets why I love those jokes so much, but maybe your son will. :)
Two polar bears walk in the desert:
- It must have been very, very slippery here.
- What makes you think so?
- They've sanded this place so heavily!
I have two jokes, one I think you would like and then the second, a teenage boy may like. I don't have too many 'gross' jokes.
This joke has multiple parts:
Joke teller:
"Why do Elephants paint their toe nails red?"
Audience:
I don't know. (or just a glazed over look)
Joke teller:
"To hide in the strawberry patch."
... *wait a second*... "Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a strawberry patch?"
Audience:
"No." (or confused look)
Joke teller:
"See how well it works!" *smile*
There is about a third or people that do not get this joke... but eventually after a few seconds they get it.
- - -
Second joke, similar in a sense to the previous one.
Joke teller:
"What is the stuff between an elephants toes?"
....
- Slow Natives. -
- - -
Get it! The Elephant, steps on slow natives... and they get stuck between the toes... lol these jokes are both cheesy. But they get a good chuckle and are short and easy to remember.
My dad always tells this and it makes me laugh every time.
A man sees a gentleman sitting on a bench. There is a dog sitting next to him on the ground. The man walks over to the gentleman and says "Does your dog bite?"
The gentleman says "No."
So, the man reaches down to pet the dog and it bites him! "Ouch! It bit me!"
"That is not my dog."
(You have to makes sure that everyone has an outrageous French accent in order to get the full effect.)
No joke from me, no contest. But I just wanted to say that the book could be for knitting *during* reading!
Have a fun contest! (I already have the book, and some Noro SGS, too.)
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