Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Time For Another Contest!


This is the prize for this contest. The picture has three balls but I'll be giving away two balls of this lovely Gedifra Chandra yarn. Each ball is 50 grams and approximately 70 meters. I used this yarn to make this lovely scarf. It was beautiful and warm and an easy knit.
Now for the contest part! Leave me a comment with a joke. That's it. Just a joke. Something that tickles your funny bone.
The contest will go for one week so I'll be picking a winner on Tuesday, June 16th. Make sure there's an email link on your post so I can contact the winner.

55 Talk to me:

Bgstoner said...

Who flies in unexpectedly?
Mary Poppins

Suse-the-slow-knitta said...

a bear walks into a bar
.
.
.
.
.
"a pint of your finest, bartender," he says
"sure, why the big paws?"

Kara said...

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

infpgirl@gmail.com

Renee said...

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

(funniest when told by my four-year-old daughter)

Renee.Buist@yahoo.com

Holly Bee said...

An astronaut, a nun, and a knitter walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

adorably alice said...

A man comes home to his wife drunk, but excited. "Dear!" he says, "I was at the most incredible bar."

"Uh huh," the wife responds, not really caring.

"I walked in," the husband raves excitedly, "and the whole bar was made of gold. The bar was gold, the stools where gold, even the mugs where solid gold!"

The wife rolls her eyes, wondering where her husband really was.

"No, no," he says, "You don't understand! The whole bar was solid gold. I even went to the urinal and the urinal was solid gold! Imagine pissing in a gold toilet!"

The wife, not believing her husband, calls this "solid gold bar".

"Hello?" the bartender answers.

"My husband claims your whole bar is made of gold."

"Yep."

"The stools too?"

"Yes maam."

"And the beer mugs?"

"Even the mugs."

"And what about the urnial? Surely your urinal is not made of gold too?"

The bartender pauses, then says, "Hey Barry! I think I know who pissed in your tuba!"


:)

my7kids said...

An elephant sees a naked guy, and says to him,
"It's cute, but can you really BREATHE through that thing?"

Nikki
jesus_iscomin at yahoo dot com
or on twitter
My7kids Recycled Yarns
Diantha's Handspuns and Fiber Batts

my7kids said...

A half-drunk guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and sets a baby skunk up on the bar.

The bartender says, "What's with the skunk?"

The guy says, "I am going to take it to my wife as a pet. She can pet it during the day and at night it can sleep curled up between her legs to keep warm."

The bartender says, "But what about the SMELL?"

The guy says, "It'll just have to get used to the smell. I did!"

Nikki
jesus_iscomin at yahoo dot com
or on twitter
My7kids Recycled Yarns
Diantha's Handspuns and Fiber Batts

my7kids said...

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Nikki
jesus_iscomin at yahoo dot com
or on twitter
My7kids Recycled Yarns
Diantha's Handspuns and Fiber Batts

Desiree said...

Guy and his wife both die and get to the pearly gates at the same time. She says, "Oh how nice! We get to spend eternity together too!"

Guy says, "Count me OUT! The deal was TIL DEATH!"

Des
rufflebuns at hotmail dot com

Georgi said...

How do you drown a blond??



Glue a mirror to the bottom of a swimming pool.

:-)

Kitten With a Whiplash said...

What did the cannibals cook when they caught the Italian Missionary?

MINISTERone Soup

superwoman_4002 said...

haha.. ok...

This boy didnt know what to get his girlfriend for her birthday so he aseked her and she said "it doesnt matter... just take me somewhere expensive" so he took her and dropped her off at the nearest gas station!! ;)

Breien in Lansingerland said...

How can you see that a blonde one was working at the computer?

She corrected all her typo's with typex...on the screen!

Sarah said...

Why don't Buddhist vacuum under the furniture?

No attachments.

Kristen said...

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

Mary said...

The cow has died and I do not need your bull!

wenat said...

What did the plant grow in math?
Show Punchline

SQUARE ROOTS!

Chit Chat With Divagirlrn said...

What did five say to six?

Seven eight nine.

Marissa said...

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Jean said...

First of all thank you for visiting my blog, I have entered you in my contest. I know only one joke - Why do blonds have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Goes In First. ha ha

Turtle said...

Why was the broom late ?
It over swept !

Knitter Kitter said...

So the chicken says to the horse...

Why the long face?

vickie said...

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

vbarton24 at gmail dot com

Jenny said...

A grasshopper enters the pub and hops up onto the bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Irving?"

MissMoosey on Ravelry said...

An assassin hid in his target's hotel room, waiting to do the deed. As the hours ticked by, the assassin grew said to himself, "Why on earth is he so late? I hope that nothing's happened to him!"

rnredner at gmail dot com

One Sheep said...

Miss Simmons is quizzing hier first graders on their math:

"Billy, how much is 2+2?", Billy answers 22. "How did you get that answer, Billy?" she asks, and he replies "I dunno."

Miss Simmons then asks Pansy. Pansy thinks for moment, then meekly offers a response of "Twosday?". When asked how she came up with the answer, Pansy sheepishly replies "I guessed."

Finally Miss Simmons asks Robby and he answers 4. "Very good Robby, that's right! Will you tell the class how you got that answer?"

To which Robby replies "I just took away 22 from Tuesday."

Sharon Rose said...

Here's my favorite (clean) joke:

A man goes to New York City on business. He wants to have a real Big City night on the town, so the concierge at his hotel sends him to a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

He walks in and orders his usual. He’s getting chatty with the bartender, telling him about the conference, etc. Another patron at the bar overhears that he’s from out of town and comes and sits next to him. “Hey, welcome to our little place. This is the best bar in the whole city!”

“Really? What’s so great about it?”

“Oh, it’s amazing! See that picture on the wall? That’s a genuine Picasso.”

The tourist raises an eyebrow. “Hmm.”

The local guy stands up. “Yeah! And that stool there? At the end of the bar? That’s from a real pirate ship!”

“Okaaay.” At this point the businessman is pretty skeptical. He realizes the local has had more than a little to drink.

“But this! This is the best part! Check out this window. Because of the drafts up the side of this building, if you jump out, you fall about twenty feet. Then the wind catches you and brings you right back up!”

“Ah… right.”

“No, really, I’ll show you!” And the man runs over to the window, throws it open, and leaps out. Sure enough, he falls for a few seconds, then stops in mid-air and comes back up. He pulls himself through the window, stands up, and takes a bow. “You gotta do it!”

The traveller is impressed but nervous, so the man says “Look, dude, I’ll do it again.” Sure enough, he jumps out again. Falls about 20 feet, then the wind catches him and he returns to the level of the window. The businessman grabs his arm and pulls him in.

“Holy cow! I gotta try that!” He leaps out… and falls… and falls….

The bartender just shakes his head. “Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

Sarah, The New Girl said...

oh, I'm definitely doing the knitting joke I heard.
---

A woman lies on her death bed. Her husband, kneeling next to her, says "Honey, may I open the box now?" He gestures to a small box under the bed, which he was always forbidden from looking inside.

His wife nods slowly. Excited to finally see the contents, the man quickly grabs the box. Once opened, the man is staring at $25,000 and a small, knitted doll.

"What is this?" He asks his wife, holding up the sweet, little yarn doll.

"When we got married," she answers, "my mother taught me how to knit that doll. That way, if ever I got upset at you, I could take out my frustration by knitting a doll instead of growing angrier with you."

The man smiles to himself, so proud that his wife only needed to knit one doll during all the years they were married.

"And this $25,000? How did you save up that money" He asked.

"By selling small, knitted dolls"

---

I love this contest :) Jokes are so fun1

Ace said...

Why couldn't the witch have kids?

Because her husband was a HALLOWEENER!

Alicia said...

WHy did the cookie go to the doctor?

He was feeling crumby!

Alicia said...

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

He was feeling crumby!

Alicia said...

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby!

ajoynson@gmail.com

:)

Cheap Knitter said...

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

momsalittleoff@gmail.com

Owen's Mom said...

A duck walks into a bar, hops up onto a barstool and says, got any grapes?

The bartender says, no sorry duck. We don't have any grapes. So, the duck stomps out of the bar.

The next day, the same duck comes into the bar and says, hey bartender, got any grapes?

The bartender says, no duck... we still don't have any grapes. Just beer. The duck quacks and stomps out of the bar.

So, this goes on for a week and the bartender is getting pretty tired of this. When the duck next walks into the bar the bartender cuts him off and says, duck... we don't have any grapes, we won't have any grapes. If you ask about grapes again I will nail your web feet to the stool.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and hops up on the barstool. The bartender is pretty amazed that he is back. The duck says, so bartender... got any nails?

The bartender says, no duck.

Well, then got any grapes?

TripletMom said...

Here is my favorite (it is triplet related - go figure):

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

Syl said...

Know how to tell you're getting old?
Wife tells her husband she's having an affair and husband asks, "is it being catered?" HAHAHAHA!!
Sorry, best I could come up with today! I'm terrible at remembering jokes.
Syl

MHB said...

Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!

Kim said...

Confucius say: "He who runs naked through airport is going to Bangkok."

smariek said...

I'm not entering the contest and I don't have a joke for you. I just wanted to let you know that I've mentioned your contest on my blog here. :-)

nmiller said...

Why isn't knitting allowed on airplanes? They're afraid you'll knit an Afghan!

SusanB-knits said...

A contestant, Sally, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because . . . her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

"That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

Sally fainted.

katerina said...

My clean joke:

Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
A: To hide in the strawberry patch of course!

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a strawberry patch???

Then I guess it worked!

hahaha
Thanks for the contest - it was fun reading all the jokes!

junior_goddess said...

What did the fish say when he bumped his head on concrete?


Dam!

Robin said...

A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Michigan State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. 'He replied, ' Michigan State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

Robin said...

Here's my clean joke - I'm from Ohio and we love jokes about Michigan!

A Lansing,Mi. Policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

Zoe said...

What is brown and sticky?




A stick.

Retro Housewife said...

Fun contest! I loved reading all the entries. You KNOW my favorite joke:

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel down the front of his pants.

The bartender says, "Pirate, did you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

Donna B. said...

My favorite of all time: Q: How do you know if an elephant's been in your bathroom? A: The towel with the big E on it is wet.

Vanessa said...

A husband and wife go to the Dr.'s office and the Dr is asking the husband how he is doing? Husband says - Great - I have angels that help me.
Dr. says - "Ok" What do you mean by that?
Husband says - everytime i go to the bathroom - the light goes on .
Dr. asks wife what is up with her husband wants to check his mental state - explains to the wife their conversation.
Wife says - oh no - he gets up in the middle of the night and he thinks he is in the bathroom - he is peeing in the fridge again!

Vanessa - Upstate NY
butterflyjones03 AT Yahoo Dot Com

Bean said...

This is my daughters favorite joke. She tells it to everyone. By the way..she is 5. Q: why did the chicken cross the playground? A: to get to the other slide.

crochetgurl said...

I remember this joke from one of my high school Spanish textbooks.

Q: What do fish do?
A: Nada

adorably alice said...

Here's another cheesy joke.

For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of one, they tend to milk it for all it's worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda enough, but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones.
I cheddar to think what they'll come out with next.

Kathy said...

I cannot even try to compete
with
a dyslexic walks into a bra.
Hysterical..... I laughed my butt off
Hope that's the winner

Bobby said...

why did the koala fall out of the tree?




because it was dead.